Sunday, July 20, 2008
Losing it!
I'm on the verge of losing it. My mom is interfering, I still don't have a place to live and I am so angry at my mom that I am having a hard time controlling it. How can I keep going?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
DENIED
They denied him. You have no idea how my hopes plummeted when I heard, but I was glad the loan officer called me before he did. Therefore, I was prepared for his call and did not reveal the extent of my disappointment to him. I know he feels for me and would feel bad about my situation and that would be compounded by his disappointment of not getting approved.
So I am back to square 1. I put a call into the woman that did my pre-qualification and am praying that she will be able to do something for us.
On a positive note, well three positives:
1. I was out house-hunting yesterday just to make sure I had seen all my options. Went to several new communities and I found my DREAM condo/townhouse. It was huge, great yard, location is good . . . but price is high. Prayed last night that God would work it out for me. Maybe this denial his answer to make me wait a bit longer and hopefully prices will go down and my savings will go up. But it was perfect!
2. My mom and brother are going to take the kids to the beach today so I will have a quiet day to work.
3. Got a sitter for tonight so I will have my first adults night out with my parents and two of my brothers tonight. It will be nice.
More later . . .
So I am back to square 1. I put a call into the woman that did my pre-qualification and am praying that she will be able to do something for us.
On a positive note, well three positives:
1. I was out house-hunting yesterday just to make sure I had seen all my options. Went to several new communities and I found my DREAM condo/townhouse. It was huge, great yard, location is good . . . but price is high. Prayed last night that God would work it out for me. Maybe this denial his answer to make me wait a bit longer and hopefully prices will go down and my savings will go up. But it was perfect!
2. My mom and brother are going to take the kids to the beach today so I will have a quiet day to work.
3. Got a sitter for tonight so I will have my first adults night out with my parents and two of my brothers tonight. It will be nice.
More later . . .
Monday, July 14, 2008
Stomach in knots
My stomach is in knots. I'm anxiously awaiting hearing whether Dre has been approved to refinance our home in his name. If he is not, I don't know what I'm going to do because my options for living arrangements are going to be greatly reduced.
He's having a rough morning already so I don't want to add to it by calling and asking if he has heard. I left a message for the banker instead and hope she gets the hint to put a rush on it.
You have no idea the amount of relief and freedom I will feel when this is all done!
He's having a rough morning already so I don't want to add to it by calling and asking if he has heard. I left a message for the banker instead and hope she gets the hint to put a rush on it.
You have no idea the amount of relief and freedom I will feel when this is all done!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
his birthday
I totally forgot my husband's birthday. We've only been separated for a month and I forgot it. Me, the birthday queen! I'm not sure what to make of it. I know I'm under a tremendous amount of stress, but geez I didn't think it was that bad. Luckily I remember late yesterday, came home, grabbed the kids and went out to get him something. We decorated his office and left his present there along with a voicemail with the kids singing happy birthday to him. I think it went well for a last minute plan.
We took him to lunch today and it went really well! It was amazing. He's a better husband when we are separated than he ever was when we were together. We talked about furniture for when me and the kids get a place, finances and his contribution to the kids support and visitation for the kids. I am very hesitant about the kids spending the night with him, but I was able to voice those concerns without him freaking out and well, we'll see. Not quite ready for it, but I know it will come. And I'm trying to be open to it.
I've changed my plans from purchasing a single family home with some land to going for a townhouse. As much as I want land and wide open spaces, I decided I was not ready for yard maintenance and all the other stuff that comes with a home. I know it will come with some degree in a townhouse, but hopefully *crossing fingers* not that often. So I've gotten approved for a loan amount that I'm comfortable with and found a couple of possible townhouses. I'm going out with a real estate agent in the morning to look. I need to move ASAP!
More good news . . . I'm really loving my new work. Still doing support for realping.com and dashone.com but am now doing software testing, technical writing and soon training for relatrix.com. It's fun work, what I'm trained to do and allows me to work alot late at night -- my best time!
Prayer Request: Pray that I find the perfect home for me and kids very soon and that my finances go through ok and that it is available immediately!
We took him to lunch today and it went really well! It was amazing. He's a better husband when we are separated than he ever was when we were together. We talked about furniture for when me and the kids get a place, finances and his contribution to the kids support and visitation for the kids. I am very hesitant about the kids spending the night with him, but I was able to voice those concerns without him freaking out and well, we'll see. Not quite ready for it, but I know it will come. And I'm trying to be open to it.
I've changed my plans from purchasing a single family home with some land to going for a townhouse. As much as I want land and wide open spaces, I decided I was not ready for yard maintenance and all the other stuff that comes with a home. I know it will come with some degree in a townhouse, but hopefully *crossing fingers* not that often. So I've gotten approved for a loan amount that I'm comfortable with and found a couple of possible townhouses. I'm going out with a real estate agent in the morning to look. I need to move ASAP!
More good news . . . I'm really loving my new work. Still doing support for realping.com and dashone.com but am now doing software testing, technical writing and soon training for relatrix.com. It's fun work, what I'm trained to do and allows me to work alot late at night -- my best time!
Prayer Request: Pray that I find the perfect home for me and kids very soon and that my finances go through ok and that it is available immediately!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
the first time
Sunday was the first day in over four years that my kids spent time alone with their dad. First time. What does that say? My stomach was just in knots driving them there after church, so many thoughts on what could go wrong:
1. He could fall asleep when they are there and they could do just about anything.
2. He could lose his tempter and they will be in panic mode with no one to protect them or mollify them.
3. They could just be scared based on his last temper tantrum.
4. Cade could do something that angers his dad and in return daddy would "punish" him by causing pain.
I could just go on and on. But in the end, I did drop them. I didn't want to say anything to Dre to make him feel like I was uncomfortable leaving them so I just said that if anything came up and he needed to leave or deal with it, just to call me as I would be in the area.
So then I had my first 5 hours in over 4 years where I wasn't paying someone to watch the kids while I had some time out. It was wonderful aside from the occasional twinge of worry! I got a pedicure, my haircut, did a couple of mystery shops at Circuit City and Sonic and went to the mall to shop. I used the last of my Christmas gift card at Macy's and bought some new hair accessories for Hannah and I. I'm taking her to get her hair cut on Thursday.
They are in dance camp this week. Their dad only knows they are at camp. I failed to mention the dance piece because I didn't want to listen to his tirade about Cade taking dance. He's 3 for goodness sake, they just play ring around the roses, stomp on the ground with tap shoes and play with hula hoops. I'm not turning him gay. Why do men fear that so much? Why are they obsessed with feminine things make boys gay? Why is it ok for a girl to play/pretend traditionally masculine things but vice versa and they just blow a gasket? It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
Now I have gotten a bit irritated with my mom lately because she seems to bend the complete opposite way when faced with opposition. So my dad or their dad makes a comment on something and then she has to shove it in their face and my son is caught in the middle. I wouldn't say she encourages Cade to wear lipstick, put on makeup and wear dresses but she certainly doesn't discourage him or encourage him toward more gender appropriate things. I finally asked her to put her lipstick up and bought Cade a bunch of different chapsticks to replace them. What's so hard with that?
Then yesterday morning, I caught her helping him put on makeup before they left for dance camp. I was so mad! I am not opposed to him playing with makeup when it's just that play . . . it's like facepaint. But not when we are going out in public. I had to get onto Cade and I was mad at mom for putting me in the situation.
The the "dress" she made him. It was fine for a while but with all the opposition he has gotten obsessed with it. I have gotten rid of it. I haven't told him and I haven't told mom. I will find something else for him. And I don't want to listen to her either. I just think it is time for him to be steered toward more gender appropriate things . . . for the most part. I am not at all opposed to pretend play, wearing shoes, etc. but this has just turned into an insane war and my son is caught in the middle . . . no more.
Ok, enough rambling for now. Their hours with their dad went well. He didn't lose his temper, and while they were ready to go when I went to get them, they seemed to have a good time. And I am slowly dealing with the gender stereotype issues we have in this family.
But I REALLY need a place to live . . . ASAP!
1. He could fall asleep when they are there and they could do just about anything.
2. He could lose his tempter and they will be in panic mode with no one to protect them or mollify them.
3. They could just be scared based on his last temper tantrum.
4. Cade could do something that angers his dad and in return daddy would "punish" him by causing pain.
I could just go on and on. But in the end, I did drop them. I didn't want to say anything to Dre to make him feel like I was uncomfortable leaving them so I just said that if anything came up and he needed to leave or deal with it, just to call me as I would be in the area.
So then I had my first 5 hours in over 4 years where I wasn't paying someone to watch the kids while I had some time out. It was wonderful aside from the occasional twinge of worry! I got a pedicure, my haircut, did a couple of mystery shops at Circuit City and Sonic and went to the mall to shop. I used the last of my Christmas gift card at Macy's and bought some new hair accessories for Hannah and I. I'm taking her to get her hair cut on Thursday.
They are in dance camp this week. Their dad only knows they are at camp. I failed to mention the dance piece because I didn't want to listen to his tirade about Cade taking dance. He's 3 for goodness sake, they just play ring around the roses, stomp on the ground with tap shoes and play with hula hoops. I'm not turning him gay. Why do men fear that so much? Why are they obsessed with feminine things make boys gay? Why is it ok for a girl to play/pretend traditionally masculine things but vice versa and they just blow a gasket? It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
Now I have gotten a bit irritated with my mom lately because she seems to bend the complete opposite way when faced with opposition. So my dad or their dad makes a comment on something and then she has to shove it in their face and my son is caught in the middle. I wouldn't say she encourages Cade to wear lipstick, put on makeup and wear dresses but she certainly doesn't discourage him or encourage him toward more gender appropriate things. I finally asked her to put her lipstick up and bought Cade a bunch of different chapsticks to replace them. What's so hard with that?
Then yesterday morning, I caught her helping him put on makeup before they left for dance camp. I was so mad! I am not opposed to him playing with makeup when it's just that play . . . it's like facepaint. But not when we are going out in public. I had to get onto Cade and I was mad at mom for putting me in the situation.
The the "dress" she made him. It was fine for a while but with all the opposition he has gotten obsessed with it. I have gotten rid of it. I haven't told him and I haven't told mom. I will find something else for him. And I don't want to listen to her either. I just think it is time for him to be steered toward more gender appropriate things . . . for the most part. I am not at all opposed to pretend play, wearing shoes, etc. but this has just turned into an insane war and my son is caught in the middle . . . no more.
Ok, enough rambling for now. Their hours with their dad went well. He didn't lose his temper, and while they were ready to go when I went to get them, they seemed to have a good time. And I am slowly dealing with the gender stereotype issues we have in this family.
But I REALLY need a place to live . . . ASAP!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Just for me
I've blogged for a long time. For other people, on MySpace, on my own website and many other places, but I need place just for me. I don't want to worry about who my audience is and what they think as I do on those public forums where those that know me, find me. If someone who does know me, stumbles across this, I don't want to know it. I want to just be free to write, to vent and mostly to work things out in my head. I want to document my life, thoughts and other things without worrying about hurting someone's feelings or being judged. That is what this spot it for. I certainly welcome readers and comments and meeting people, but I will not bend or modify my writing based on anyone else's thoughts here.
This is Just For Me!
A little about me. I'm an overweight, recently separated mother of two pre-schoolers. I am very smart, work for myself at home and have a very smart-aleck personality. Me and the kids are living with my parents while I sort out my "lack of" marriage and try to find housing. I'm picky and do not want to go into an apartment but rather to have my own place where I can paint the walls and have a backyard for the kids to play in.
I love my husband, but he has been abusive since the first week of our marriage and I will not tolerate it any longer or put my kids in danger of seeing that anymore. We are being very civil and do not have any "bad" things going on in this separation like you hear about.
I run my own company that does "virtual assistant" work but tend to lean toward technical assignments since I am a software engineer by trade and training. I love what I do. I thrive on it. And I finally am feeling like I could support us for the most part.
That's enough for now. More later. Lots of things to write about with this new life I'm headed into. It's scary yet exciting at the same time.
Prayer Request: Housing! I am so desperate to get out of my parents house. They are great, but with me working from home and the kids here all the time, we need space. And there are just too many "mom's" in this house.
This is Just For Me!
A little about me. I'm an overweight, recently separated mother of two pre-schoolers. I am very smart, work for myself at home and have a very smart-aleck personality. Me and the kids are living with my parents while I sort out my "lack of" marriage and try to find housing. I'm picky and do not want to go into an apartment but rather to have my own place where I can paint the walls and have a backyard for the kids to play in.
I love my husband, but he has been abusive since the first week of our marriage and I will not tolerate it any longer or put my kids in danger of seeing that anymore. We are being very civil and do not have any "bad" things going on in this separation like you hear about.
I run my own company that does "virtual assistant" work but tend to lean toward technical assignments since I am a software engineer by trade and training. I love what I do. I thrive on it. And I finally am feeling like I could support us for the most part.
That's enough for now. More later. Lots of things to write about with this new life I'm headed into. It's scary yet exciting at the same time.
Prayer Request: Housing! I am so desperate to get out of my parents house. They are great, but with me working from home and the kids here all the time, we need space. And there are just too many "mom's" in this house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)